What it is:
We tend to talk about our sleep as though it occurs in isolation, but the reality is that for many of us, sleep is a social act. Whether it's with a partner, child, or pet that refuses to leave our side, many of us share our beds with loved ones for significant portions of our lives. While it can be an immense source of comfort, it can also create problems where they might not otherwise exist — particularly in our romantic relationships.
It's a naive assumption (but one made by many of us) that the ability to get a good night's rest in the same bed somehow reflects relationship success. Society deems terms like "sleep divorce," which refer to couples who decide to sleep in separate beds, as a failure or romantic demise. But the reality is that good sleep is essential for our individual health and that of our relationships. We must do whatever we need to in order to achieve good sleep, and the sooner we accept that sleeping together has little to no correlation with how well we "sleep together," the better.
The purported claims:
Everyone has a unique sleep profile that dictates optimal bed and wake times, room temperature, bedding preferences, and light and noise sensitivity. It shouldn’t be assumed that we are automatically compatible with our romantic partners in each of these areas. We can strive to improve sleep for all involved by respecting individual differences. This can:
Reduce irritability and relationship conflicts
Promote better sex
Improve physical and mental health
Attenuate sleep disorder symptoms
What the science says:
For most of history, communal sleep has been the norm. As diurnal creatures who predominantly rely on our sense of vision, we face greater risk at night when it's dark, and we can't see very well. Sleeping in groups with rotating "watchers" on shift ensured our ancestors' survival. The benefit of having some tribe members who were naturally more alert at night likely contributed to the genetic differences in body clock that we see today ("morning larks" versus "night owls" and the "doves" that fall between.)
It wasn't until the Victorians came along with their profound fear of disease and longing for privacy that sleeping in separate twin beds became fashionable. Between 1850 and 1950, separate beds were considered normal and healthier for married couples.
During the 1950s, however, the tables turned dramatically. World War II was over, the birth control pill was being developed, and people started to be shamed for sleeping in separate beds. It was now seen as symbolic of a failed marriage to do so and undoubtedly old-fashioned. This pressure to share the covers - no matter the toll on sleep - is only now starting to shift, 70 years later.
There's no denying that poor sleep makes everything more challenging. We feel irritable, tired, and more prone to making mistakes. But it also leads to long-term health problems that impact quality of life. For these reasons, we must prioritize sleep for ourselves and our loved ones. Taking an interest in improving sleep for the whole family is a necessary act of kindness.
Our stamina lets us know if we're getting enough sleep. Do we feel energized for work, exercise, hobbies, and social activities? Do we feel neutral or good when we contemplate sleep? Rest needs to become a priority if we don't have the energy to do the things important to us.
Multiple factors can disrupt sleep, whether independent of our relationship (stress, work, or a sleep disorder) or as a result of our partner's behavior (snoring, blanket-stealing, or frequent bathroom trips).
Couple's sleep expert and clinical psychologist, Dr. Wendy Troxel, wrote the book "Sharing The Covers: Every Couple's Guide to Better Sleep" as a guide for couples struggling with sleep and relationship issues. She suggests that both partners keep sleep and relationship diaries as an inventory of how each partner is faring. Sleep diaries can demonstrate all sorts of practical information that might aid in discovering the best bedtime resolution. By logging relationship quality, one can also begin to connect any dots. For example, studies show that poor sleep predicts worse next-day interactions and vice-versa; negative interactions (such as conflicts) indicate inferior rest that night.
If you are unhappy with how much sleep you get, the first step is to rule out an underlying sleep disorder. These are some of the most common ones:
Insomnia: struggling to fall or stay asleep at least 3 nights per week and usually accompanied by feelings of frustration, or anxiety about sleep
Obstructive Sleep Apnea: a collapse of the airways that leads to shallow breathing or pauses between breaths during sleep that is characterized by loud snoring or waking up gasping for air
Restless Legs Syndrome: uncomfortable, itchy/creepy-crawly sensations in the legs that get worse at night and is only alleviated by moving or massaging the legs
Nightmares Disorder: frequent nightmares that lead to distress
Narcolepsy: excessive daytime sleepiness and inability to stay awake
If you suspect you or your partner might have a sleep disorder, speak to your doctor, who can recommend a behavioral sleep medicine specialist or a physician with expertise in this area.
Sometimes, treatments for sleep disorders, such as cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia (CBTi) or continuous positive airway pressure (CPAP) for sleep apnea, improve sleep enough for the disordered person that the sleep disturbances also resolve for the bed partner, but this isn't always the case. After trial and error, some partners decide that sleeping separately is the best solution to achieve the best night's sleep.
Interestingly, how well we bond with parents or primary caregivers in early life influences the quality of sleep we get if we bed-share in adulthood. In a study of 179 heterosexual couples, a more secure attachment was associated with better quality sleep. However, more time in bed (but not necessarily better sleep) was associated with worse attachment for females but not males.
The theory is that the attachment relationship between parents and children that develops during childhood transfers to romantic partnerships in adulthood. Given that sleep is an intimate act shared with those whom we trust, some partners may value bed-sharing more than others if the proximity of their partner is soothing and reassuring. In contrast, those who are securely attached and have effective self-soothing strategies may be less reliant upon bed-sharing with a partner to sustain feelings of closeness.
Bed-sharing may also promote closeness as it is an intimate, vulnerable act where pillow talk can provide privacy and openness. Protecting this is important for many couples.
There are many ways to improve sleep in a bed-sharing relationship in addition to the usual sleep hygiene practices:
Try a high-quality king-size (or plus) mattress to provide each partner with more space and optimal comfort.
Get the right bedding. Some people like crisp cotton, while others prefer silk. Some prefer a lofty duvet, while others prefer several layers of quilts and blankets. Also, a pillow designed for your specific sleeping style (e.g. side versus back-sleeper) is vital.
Try "Swedish sleeping" if you can't agree on bedding. For this, each partner has their own twin-size blanket or duvet on a king-size mattress to ensure more control over temperature regulation while still being able to sleep next to one another.
Find smart solutions to minimize ambient noise or partner noise during the night. White noise or other sound machines can create a buffer.
Keep the bedroom clean and tidy, and reserve it for sleep, sex, and relaxation. The goal is to create a space that feels like a sanctuary.
Our take:
Never underestimate the difference a good night’s sleep can make on daytime performance, mood, and energy levels. Getting good rest is just one of the ways that we can be the best version of ourselves for those around us.
It’s unrealistic to expect by default that someone compatible with our waking needs requires the same conditions as us to achieve good sleep. Our willingness to learn from and work with our partners is how we find solutions that work for everyone.
If you suspect a sleep disorder might be contributing to poor sleep, speak with your doctor or encourage your partner to do so. And if a few simple changes in the bedroom environment are enough to improve sleep for both partners, consider investing in them.
Choosing to sleep apart can be life-changing for the better for some couples, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that intimacy will suffer as a result. If both partners get better sleep, they will likely have more energy to dedicate to one another during the day and will be less prone to conflicts caused by tiredness.
Will this benefit you?
Although we may lie next to another person, we are alone in the act of sleep itself. For some, the safety and reassurance of sleeping together are most important, yet for others, it’s having more autonomy or control of the sleep environment. Whatever is required in your relationship, trust that it’s right for you.
Still curious to try it? If so, here’s what to look out for:
We’re habitual creatures, so any change in routine can take some getting used to. Communicate concerns with your partner and encourage open and honest conversation as you navigate what can sometimes be a process of trial and error. Remind yourselves of the end goal. And lastly, be mindful of the language you use as you discuss your options. If sleeping apart is the solution, trade “sleep divorce” for what some sleep experts call a “bed spread,” and remember that a good night’s rest is worth striving for.
For an in-depth look at how to achieve better sleep and relationship health as a couple, consider reading “Sharing The Covers” by Dr. Wendy Troxel. Packed with science and anecdotes from years of working with clients, Troxel includes a helpful action plan for couples looking to improve sleep and relationship health.
References:
Sharing The Covers by Wendy Troxel, PhD - https://www.amazon.com/Sharing-Covers-Every-Couples-Better/dp/0306875004
The effects of bed sharing on sleep - https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33436343/
Negative interactions and bad sleep - https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20668283/
Attachment and sleep -https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30790373/
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